


bathtub

by mothmanofficial



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: (sort of), Established Relationship, Gender Dysphoria, M/M, Post-Canon, Trans Edward Elric, Trans Male Character, crying in an empty bathtub with your sort-of-boyfriend, i can’t write anything that doesn’t involve crying can i
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-23
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-09-25 09:00:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17118332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mothmanofficial/pseuds/mothmanofficial
Summary: He felt so weak, sitting and crying alone like this underneath a shower that was no longer running. He had a whole lifetime of pain and hard lessons that he bore strongly, so breaking down simply because he forgot to throw a towel over the mirror felt kind of pathetic.





	bathtub

**Author's Note:**

> ok so basically im trans
> 
> i wrote this over a couple days on my phone as a coping mechanism because i’ve been wildly dysphoric lately and i don’t have anyone i can really talk to about it. super self indulgent, not beta read, probably reads really bad.

Edward Elric was not a silent crier.

 

This was made apparent by the sound of sobs and hiccups echoing in the bathroom, breaking the usual quiet of nighttime and making Ed feel even more self conscious than he already did. He felt so weak, sitting and crying alone like this underneath a shower that was no longer running. He had a whole lifetime of pain and hard lessons that he bore strongly, so breaking down simply because he forgot to throw a towel over the mirror felt kind of pathetic. 

 

It was probably too late to be showering anyway. Ling was fast asleep, after all, but the guy always went to bed early. Part of Ed found it endearing, but part of him found it annoying too. Mostly because of Edward having to do all his reading and studying in a different room so that the lights wouldn’t disturb his roommate. That, and times like this, when Edward had to face his own demons alone. 

 

Sometimes Edward wished his head would let him sleep early, too. The nights were always the roughest, after all.

 

Edward grit his teeth, hands tangling up in his own hair. It didn’t soothe him the way Ling did. He let out a shaky sigh and glanced at his right arm, all flesh and strong and REAL. It reminded him of Alphonse, and what they went through to get themselves back. He flexed it and watched the way his skin moved over his muscles and bones. It almost made him feel better. And then Edward made the mistake of letting his eyes wander downwards and choked on a sob. He’d almost forgotten that at some point he stopped crying. 

 

It didn’t always hit him this hard. Some days he could just make peace with himself, and some days his hatred for his body didn’t even occur to him to begin with. He wished it was one of those days.

 

All of a sudden, Edward’s crying halted as he heard footsteps outside of the bathroom door. He wiped the tears off his face, roughly, as if it would make him feel stronger somehow. He held his legs close to his chest, with nothing else to cover his naked body. He waited, tensely. So Ling wasn’t asleep after all. And he’d probably heard Ed’s disgusting sobbing, too. Great.

 

“Edward...” Ling’s familiar and comforting voice murmured, just loud enough to be heard from outside the door. 

 

Ed’s head rushed with excuses to make Ling go away, and he felt so embarrassed. He never wanted Ling to see him like this. He wanted everyone to believe his strong front, and he wanted no one to worry about him. He wanted to tell Ling that he was fine, and to go back to bed. But despite all that, for some reason he couldn’t explain... he didn’t.

 

“...It’s unlocked,” Ed half-shouted, half-croaked. God, he sounded awful. His voice was noticeably shaky, but not nearly as bad as his hands, gripping onto his knees, fingernails digging into the skin (and metal, respectively) as some sort of an attempt to calm himself.

 

The door opened, and Edward immediately looked anywhere but at Ling. He trembled, suddenly aware of how naked he really was. It wasn’t like he hadn’t been naked around Ling before, as he was comfortable enough to casually change in front of the other. But this was different. Ed was crying. He was upset. He was vulnerable.

 

Ling noticed immediately how uncomfortable Edward was, and without even thinking he lifted his loosely fitting shirt off his body to hand it over to Ed. Ling turned his head in the other direction, and Edward appreciated it. He was quick to slip it over himself, and cleared his throat quietly to signal that he was changed.

 

Ling turned back towards Edward and silently climbed next to him into the dry bathtub. Ed, now feeling slightly more comfortable, took his chances at actually making eye contact with the other. He saw how tired Ling looked, and felt guilty and selfish. Edward was tired too. He should have just gone to bed.

 

Ling didn’t care, though. Carefully, as if trying not to spook a small animal, he took Edward’s hand in his. The shaking soon became much more manageably, remarkably. 

 

“...Do you want to talk?” Ling’s voice was soft. Edward wanted to wrap himself up in it, he wanted to be surrounded by nothing but that voice, forever. But he didn’t want to talk.

 

So Edward shook his head. And they sat in silence, for what felt like hours, but must have really only been a few minutes. Edward’s hand in Ling’s, comfortable and warm. Edward, though trying to be subtle, inhaling the scent of Ling’s shirt. He listened to Ling’s breathing. He felt Ling’s warmth. Ling, Ling, Ling. In a sudden surge of affection, Edward turned and wrapped both arms around Ling’s shoulders from the side, nuzzling his cheek against the other man’s bicep. 

 

Ling relaxed under the embrace, smiling although Ed couldn’t see it. But all of the sudden Edward’s body was shaking in time with more sobs, and Ling turned himself to face Edward, to try and find the source of his crying, as if it would appear out of thin air. But it didn’t, and Ling was left confused and worried.

 

“Edward, what’s-“

 

“I saw myself. In... in the mirror. I didn’t cover it.” Edward forced out, even though Ling probably already guessed that’s what this was about anyway. “I wish I was stronger. I wish... I wish I didn’t look like this, I wish I didn’t feel like this, Ling. I-“ He couldn’t even finish his sentence before he started sobbing again, pulling away and clutching at the collar of his shirt, Ling’s shirt, while he tried to find some words to express what he was feeling.

 

He felt like he was made of slime. He felt like his body was mocking him, and in turn he felt like everyone else was mocking him because of his body. He felt like curling up into a ball. He felt like clawing off his disgusting chest, he felt like compressing it to the point where he couldn’t breathe. 

 

He thought about human transmutation, and cursed himself for thinking that way. Thinking that he’d go such lengths to fix his broken body, which had been broken since he was born, but especially since puberty. But he couldn’t use alchemy, of course. Perhaps that was for the best.

 

Edward couldn’t say any of that, even if he wanted to. He couldn’t put it into words, even though it made sense in his head. He felt like if he tried to speak, black oil would spill rapidly out of his mouth and drown the two of them in this room, with nothing to stop them from dying such a miserable death. Edward didn’t want to die that way. So instead of speaking he just cried, letting his forehead fall against Ling’s bare chest. Edward secretly wished that was /his/ chest, or at least that his looked like that.

 

It took a long time for the crying to die down. It had taken so much energy out of poor Ed, and he could fall asleep, right there in the bathtub. But he resisted the desire to just pass out, and slowly sat back up and looked at Ling. 

 

Ling smiled at him, which almost took Ed by surprise. It wasn’t smug, or patronizing, or annoying. It was kind, and gentle. Patient. Edward couldn’t fight the urge to smile back, just barely. Ling raised a hand to Edward’s cheek, caressing it gently, and Ed tried not to nuzzle into it too much.

 

“Edward Elric, if it means anything... if it makes you feel any better...” Ling raised his other hand to Edward’s other cheek, holding Edward’s head, and trust, and life, in those two hands. Had it been anyone other than Ling, Edward would be panicking at feeling so trapped, so vulnerable. But it was Ling. There was no one in the whole world who would ever make Edward feel so comfortable, even cornering him like this, forcing him to watch every movement on Ling’s face. “You, Edward, are the strongest man I’ve ever met. You are so, so handsome, and I’d give anything in the whole world for you to see yourself how I see you. One day we’ll find a way to... to fix your chest. But for that to happen, you just have to keep moving forward.” 

 

Edward felt the tears welling up again, but despite his anxiety at Ling seeing him cry, he didn’t look away. Ling smiled at him, sadly, but fondly. The tears that dared to fall were quickly wiped away by Ling’s thumbs, and Edward couldn’t help but smile again. Ling smiled back and leaned in to press his lips against Edward’s forehead. Ed leaned into the touch and wrapped his arms loosely around Ling’s neck.

 

“Come to bed. You need rest.” Ling whispered against Ed’s skin, and Edward nodded (carefully, so that he wouldn’t headbutt the other in the teeth.) Slowly, Ling rose to his feet, pulling Edward up with him. The two stepped out of the bathtub, Ling making sure to stand too close to the mirror for Ed to be able to see himself in it. Ling walked him carefully to the bed, only letting go so Edward could put some underwear on before the two of them lay down on opposite sides of the bed.

 

Edward chanced one quick glance at Ling before turning onto his side, faced away from the other. He took a deep breath, and before he could change his mind, he opened his mouth.

 

“Thank you, Ling.”

 

“Anytime, Edward.”

 

Edward was then quick to fall into slumber, unsurprisingly. The last thing he was aware of was Ling’s breathing, and the feeling that maybe things were going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading i really appreciate any comments or kind words in these trying times
> 
> on that note if you’re experiencing something similar, i love you and understand. i hope this fic will help someone, anyone, and possibly make someone smile.  
> if you’d like, you can follow my tumblr. @pukeroom.


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